I’m so happy I’m not a selfish person. I learn from other people how not to be. I’m not saying I’m 100% squeaky clean, because I’m not. Nobody is. We laugh at “nobody’s perfect” but they actually aren’t. I learn so much from other people. Sometimes I want to thank them for teaching me but it’s not exactly the best compliment is it.

I probably do have selfish tendencies, who doesn’t? But there’s a difference between being selfish for your own health/sanity & being selfish with a intention to hurt something/someone else. That’s not okay. Why would you want to do that.

As a kid I was bullied. What upset me the most out of everything, looking back at it now, was that someone wants to intentionally hurt another person for no reason at all. Just because on that day they felt like it.

Majority of my life I’ve let people walk all over me. It hasn’t been until the last year I’ve realised just how much some people don’t actually care. I think when something happens, that we don’t like or we don’t agree with, it hurts us more because in your head you couldn’t imagine doing the same to another person.

My parents are very selfless. They taught me that to give someone your last penny was the way to be in life. That nothing is ever to much if you can help and better someone else’s life/situation. Some people’s parents are like mine yet they don’t adopt their parents mannerisms. They don’t realise it but they are everything against what they have been taught. I’d give someone my last penny and not feel any way about it yet other people would say “when can you give it me back”. It’s a dog eat dog world. I question myself on whether am I stupid to not be the bad side of selfish.

I don’t sit here like oh I’m fine, I’m 100% fabulous, like I said before “squeaky clean” because I know I’m not. Probably far from it, but I question whether selfish people like being selfish or are they so caught up in themselves they aren’t actually aware of their persona.

I just don’t gots the time

The past for 4 days have been hard. Physically & mentally. I can feel a flare coming on. The only thing is, I don’t have the time. I don’t have the time to be lying on the couch all day because I can’t walk. I don’t have the time to not go to uni because I need to do my work & stay up to date for my exams. I don’t have the time to miss my trip to HP world with my 2 oldest best friends, we’ve waited so long. I don’t have the time to miss my best friends birthday because I can’t get to the restaurant. I just don’t have the time for fibromyalgia to get any more in the way of my everyday life.

Does anyone else’s labels get in the way of everything?

I’m anxious of waking up on Sunday & Monday when I’ve got a day full of plans & I’m in more pain and can’t be my usual 6/10 pain bearable self.

It’s times like this, I extra HATE having fibromyalgia. I’m sick of it taking over my life😡

Large coke, no ice & a bendy straw please

When I was a teenager a sniff of a WKD would get me drunk. I was a cheap date I must say.

Alcohol has never really bothered me. My uncle was an alcoholic & he put me off drink for life. To see a man you love to not only lose control but lose himself. Heartbreaking.

Don’t get me wrong I’d drink. Sometimes I drank too much. Sometimes I’d get to a point where I knew if I had one more sip of alcohol I’d feel like I was gonna be sick. I suppose that’s a good thing. I know when to stop.

If I was to never drink another alcoholic drink again in my life it would not bother me. What bothers me is the fact that I can’t.

When you’re a kid and you ask an adult for something in the shop & they say no & the disappointment runs through you & in my case I’d get angry (yes, ranga temper). Sounds like I was a spoilt brat. I truly wasn’t. I hated the word no but I didn’t not ever appreciate the life my parents give me. But anyway, so yeah the fact you couldn’t have it so automatically there was a barrier you wanted so hard to break because it was in a stupid way taking away your “freedom” of choice. This is my argument. I’m not bothered about not having alcohol but the fact I can’t have it bothers me. I don’t have the option.

One trivial thing (in my eyes) that has been taken away from me.

Thank god I love soft drinks.

P.s for all those wondering what a ‘ranga’ is, it’s another name for a person with ginger hair abbreviated from the animal orangutan🌚

Impossible or I’m possible

I wonder sometimes whether people truly understand you. Do they get what you’re saying to them. Do they actually listen. I’m a person where I’m always there for others. I’m a very good judge of character. Just because my face says something don’t think I’m not thinking something else.

A couple of weeks ago I was in the middle of having a flare. My Fibro fog was ridiculous & I couldn’t speak. I was on the phone to my friend & she couldn’t understand what I was saying. I broke down. I couldn’t believe I couldn’t speak. I was so embarrassed. She reassured me but I still was upset.

When someone asks me about my labels or how I’m doing I try my hardest to sugar coat it. I don’t want to be a “sufferer”, I don’t want to show weakness. I don’t want to be the “pity party” because I truly am not that person. I like to think I’m quite the opposite.

If I was to ask someone else, I’d expect them to be truthful because I wouldn’t think of them any less or more if they were to be honest or sugar coat their story. I want to know so I can help you in some way. I want to know so I can try think of something that will take your mind off your labels for even a second. So why do I do this to other people. Why do I build this wall of “fine” when sometimes I’m truly not.

Sometimes I want to lie in bed all day sleeping or binge watching Netflix. The most I want to do sometimes is just eat, sleep, take my meds, eat, sleep, take my meds. Sometimes I force myself out of bed and the house. I get up early so I can do something that will occupy my mind. Last week I begged my mum to go ASDA. Why? I hate my ASDA. I just didn’t want to go home. My doctor says “keep moving” & I try. If I was to go home I’d sit on the couch then I’d get stiff & achy but then if I was to keep moving I’d get achy & my pain would worsen. It’s a no win situation.

I hate when people use the term “lazy”. It lights a fire inside me. Sometimes I can’t be bothered to do stuff, who doesn’t? but other times I physically can’t do it. 9/10 times I need to know plans in advance. I don’t have a get up and go, I have a planned get up, a certain amount of time to get ready so I’m not late, a full plan in my head on where we’re going and where I can stop for a rest & how much energy I will need for that trip, I need to know times, I need to know I’m near a place to get a drink so i can take my tablets, I need to know the finer details. I need a plan. I get told all the time “you’re the organiser” & I am. I organise majority of outings with my friends. Not because I’m bossy or think i should be in charge but because I then know and can calculate every detail.

Sometimes I struggle to push through the bad days. I follow all these pages on social media so when I need the push I go onto their pages & they truly inspire me. I follow a guy on Instagram & if you have fibromyalgia you should definitely go follow him. He’s called the Fibro guy. He’s amazing. People go to him in wheelchairs and on crutches and months later they are running around unaided. Amazing. It’s amazing to watch that there is light in all of this. There is hope in the pain and struggle. Today maybe a bad day but tomorrow maybe the best day.

I know it’s hard. I know if you could change it you would. I would too. I know when you’re having a bad day or a flare you just want to be in a dark room lying on a bed of fluffy clouds pain free but you are more than that. You are more than all the bad days, the flares, the fog. You are more than you think. You are amazing because everyday you get up no matter how much fatigued you’re suffering with or how much pain you’re in and you carry on. You don’t let it define you. For 20 years of my life I didn’t have fibromyalgia. Just because I have it now doesn’t mean I’m going to let it define my life because for 20 years I was just meg & for the rest of my life though things will change I will still be meg. I will not be meg with the problems or meg with the condition. I am & forever will be just defined by my name “meg” (unless you wanna put queen or beautiful before it then I will be that😜)

Young & foolish

It’s been 5 months since I was diagnosed. It’s been over a year since I first started suffering with the symptoms. I can’t even express how much fibromyalgia has taken over my life. My god. When I was 15, I would be up at half 6 everyday for school, then I’d be up at 9am on a Saturday for dancing, Sunday was my only “lie in” day yet I’d still wake up at 9ish. I thought I was tired. Looking back now, I didn’t know what tired was. This isn’t a pity party. It’s far from it. Anyway, I don’t have the energy to throw a party😉.

Things happens everyday. Problems occur every single day for anybody and everybody. Life sometimes hands you the worst possible deal. I think it’s an understanding every human has which varies between each individual and this is cope. Coping with life events. Coping with the death of a loved one, with forgetting to bring the washing down after stripping your bed. Cope is a broad term. People think when your dealt a “tough life” you should just naturally cope, what because we’re human? We can’t change anything so what’s the point in trying right? I tell you now, I admire people more than ever who “cope” with the diagnosis of illness. Illnesses that could mean you’re close to death, you are at the start of a journey that is going to entail hospital stays, drips, medication, you are never going to be the same again, you are never going to be the “old you”.

The “old” me. That’s who I long to be. Poet and I didn’t know it.

It’s hard to be in a situation where you’d give anything to go back to a younger self & the life you lived in then. The things you could and couldn’t do. The “problems” you had that aren’t necessarily problems anymore because half of them were trivial but you were just to young and naive to know otherwise. To stay out till ”super late” because your friend was having a house party & everyone else would get ready at your house & they’d bring everything from their bedrooms in order to transform into their ideal house party perfection.

I understand completely that to look back & longing to be that person again can actually be like a false sense of reality. Some people may call it setting myself up to fail. And I can see both sides of the argument, I truly can. But what gets me the most and it maybe just me but you know when you have a cold & you regret all the times you took being well for granted. That’s what I’d change. I’d take back all the times I moaned about being on the third floor in college. Because now, I wouldn’t be able to climb to the 3rd floor. I’d collapse. Just little things like that. To be able to walk into town in summer or even shop without having to have breaks. Couple of weeks ago I was stripping wall paper off my grandmas walls, ready to decorate. For every 20 minutes of work I had to have 20 minutes of rest. I was stupid to push myself. God I felt it afterwards.

So yes, ideally I’d love to be the old me. Not for the teenage mindset but for all the things i could do.

False sense of reality, stupidity or relatable?

Normal V’s Abnormal with a dash of ignorance.

It takes so much strength & courage for you to express your labels. I say labels because that’s what they are to me. Society has this stigma around “normal” yet no one can explain what is truly meant by the term “normal”. Is normal to not have labels. Is it to be a size 10 with long thick hair, clear skin, etc or muscly, thick hair on top with faded sides & fresh cut beard. Is normal to not have mental health labels or physical health labels. Is it normal to be “well” to not have a mark on your body that could even be a 100th chance of you not being normal. You have to truly ask yourself what is meant by the term “normal”. People spend majority of their lives fighting against being classed as abnormal. I know I have.

The first time my doctor told me I had each of my label’s I cried. Society taught me that to not be “normal” is the worst thing that could happen to you. To not be “normal” can only mean you’re in a different group. You are not worthy to be in the same surroundings as those who are defined as normal.

I find it disgusting how ignorant individuals can be. I find it so ignorant how people comment such nastiness towards other people they have no clue about. Since being diagnosed with my health labels, I notice it more than ever. What because I can walk I’m not disabled? Because I don’t have a limb missing I’m not disabled? Because I look “normal” I’m not “abnormal”. It baffles my head every single day.

What also puts me at an unease is media. Especially tv programmes. They’ll hire a non disabled person to play a disabled character. Why. Glee is my guilty pleasure. I love it. I’m not bad mouthing it but I still question why Arties character was portrayed by a non disabled person. After all, the reason Artie was in a wheel chair was because he was in a car crash. He became paralysed. There’s a difference between physical and mental labels of disability. Because someone has a physical disability doesn’t mean they also have a mental disability. It doesn’t always work that way. Some people aren’t born disabled. Obviously it’s fake but some people like Arties character can be “normal” then be involved in a car crash and become paralysed making them physically disabled. Programmes like Coronation St. are now hiring “disabled” people to play “disabled” characters or actually taking “normal” people then diagnosing them with disabilities. Creating awareness for both sides.

Although, recently I’ve noticed changes to society. Small changes but changes. Tescos disabled toilets. Instead of having a logo of a stick man in a wheelchair they now have a sign saying “not every disability is visible, accessible toilet” with a new logo of a stick man, woman & a wheel chair. At least we are getting somewhere in life but I also hold qualms (good word) against this. Not every accessible toilet is actually accessible. It caters for only a few types of people instead for all.

I hope more than anything in time we become more accepting. I hope very soon we live in a different world. A world where there’s education for all. Where people with labels aren’t different. They are just human. Where children don’t see difference between themselves and other children. We aren’t born racist or ignorant. We aren’t born to laugh at or bully other people. It’s learnt. It’s a learnt way of life. Yes sometimes children mirror other people’s actions but if people didn’t carry out them actions in the first place then there would be no wrong doing in terms of making people feel inferior to others.

“There is no greater disability in society, than the inability to see a person as more. To see the label before the person”

A Smile

There’s this stigma about a smile. There’s this stigma that if you’re smiling you must be okay. You must feel nothing but happiness and joy because that curve of your mouth and them teeth showing prove to anyone that you have no worries. You have no fears or demons. Yet then there’s this idea that a smile can hide a multitude of sins. It can hide your heart aches, bodily pains, tears in your eyes, your feelings about illness, you’re over the loss of someone/something, your mind going into overdrive. It can hide all the weight you carry on your shoulders. There’s this stigma that if someone is labelled with depression they never smile, yet actually all they do is smile because for someone to see them not smiling can only cause them more anxiety. There this idea that when you are labelled with a mental health condition you are actually living in a body that fights to survive with a mind that tries to die. “Oh well you laugh a lot” yeah and I also cry a lot. I also sit in my doctors room crying because I know she’s the only person who won’t judge me. Because I go for so long without saying anything to anyone that once someone truly asks me if I’m okay whilst looking straight into my eyes I crumble. I also spend days wondering whether I’m being an “attention seeker” or “am I weird” or some days I actually feel nothing. I feel numb to any emotions. “You have friends” yeah and 1% of them have the same label as me but not necessarily the same struggle. “You don’t look ill” yeah and you don’t look ignorant. “You go out and live a normal life” describe to me what ‘normal’ is, please! This applies to any label someone carries whether it’s mentally or physically, visible or non-visible. Everyone has their own things going on. Don’t let the curve of an individual’s mouth fool you into thinking they’re okay. Ask them, be there for them. Change your mindset, be less opinionated, be less ignorant, be the kindest version of yourself.